FaceTime
by LizzieV
Summary: Helyka estd. Spoilers thru "3...2...1" just to be on the safe side. Silly parody madness to reconcile my feelings with tonight's season finale. Though written before the season finale, now realize this story has eery spoilers for it! Metafiction?


A/N: I just got an iPhone (I know, I'm the last hold-out) and discovered the awesomeness of FaceTime! My first FaceTime experience was with my intern who did a wicked "Blairwitch Project" parody…anyway, that inspired this short little parody on what I think is going to happen in the season finale. You know they are going to ruin it for H.G.…you just know.

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**FaceTime**

Myka quickly made her way to her room. It was one of those very rare times when 1) she was at the Bed & Breakfast and 2) an artifact wasn't currently wreaking havoc with the world. Or at least not to their knowledge…

The young agent had received a cryptic message from Mrs. Frederic a few minutes ago enclosed within a messenger pack along with an…iPhone? The message read "turn on when you are alone and I'll do the rest." And that is exactly what Myka did. And then it started ringing.

"This is new." Myka commented as she was greeted with the stunning image of one H.G. Wells.

"It is just that the holographic projecting gives me such a headache." H.G. said in way of an answer.

"Oh, so you're just going to _phone it in_, are you?" Myka smirked.

"Well, yes. I am using this device you lot refer to as an iPhone and I am speaking _into it_…rather, _at it." _H.G. emphasized the point by raising her voice and holding the screen closer.

"To 'phone something in', it's a saying. To put in a minimal amount of effort when the interaction really requires a more personal touch." Myka clarified. "I was trying to be clever."

"Yes, your wit is lost on my poor, anciently-wired brain. Come to think of it, I have reached the conclusion that your remark was actually offensive. It is not as if I can do much more than—as you put it—phone it in." H.G. sighed. "Should we continue to spend our precious time bickering?"

"And break from tradition?" Myka couldn't help herself. "I'm sorry, I'm just kidding. I'm really glad we're able to talk, no matter how it is done. What's going on?"

"Hmmm…I truly am not fond of the way I look in this little box in the corner. Is that how you are seeing me?" H.G. began poking at the inlaid picture on the phone that showed herself.

"No don't do that. You look beautiful!"

"What does this button d—" And with that, the call was abruptly ended as Myka feared. A couple minutes later, Myka's borrowed device began to ring again. Not only was she rewarded with H.G.'s lovely visage, but Mrs. F was crammed into the shot too.

"Hello Agent Bering, I have informed Ms. Wells that she is allowed to hold the device at a comfortable distance in order to converse with you…but nothing more!" Irene spoke the last part to H.G. before adding in a "no touchey" for good measure.

"Are not these devices to be the ultimate in user-friendliness? That was not very nice. Not nice at all." H.G. smiled at the phone before continuing, "Hello again, dear."

"Hi." Myka smiled back. "How long do we have? Is Mrs. F monitoring you?"

"No, she left the room. Work emails to return or some such other nonsense. And not very long. These cellulars use an exorbitant amount of energy and they have already cut our operating budget. If they would just allow me to make some _minor _adjustments to the electrical panels…but _nooooo_, cannot let the prisoner meddle with the circuitry." H.G. looked positively annoyed.

"The nerve!" Myka threw in, not hiding her sarcasm.

"You know this is not going to end well." H.G. stated grimly.

"Why do you say that? What have you _heard?_" Myka really didn't like being out of the loop on _anything_. Oh, and she was concerned for H.G. too. If she had to prioritize…well, yes…actually, no. No, H.G.'s safety definitely came before being in the know. It was times like these that she was glad H.G. wasn't in possession of a mind-reading artifact...

"I do not possess any covert intelligence on the matter; I am strictly going by how things traditionally unfold. This time of year always goes bad. Very, very bad. As if some greater power than myself is writing my history—poorly, might I add, and with horrible continuity errors—with no regard for how _I_ would like things to progress. I find it rather disheartening, my love."

"I know what you mean. But look at the bright side, we'll probably get some really cool kick-assy action sequences out of the whole deal. And I promise to be really broken up about it when they kill you off." Myka nodded as she spoke.

"'They' would do that, wouldn't 'they'?" H.G. sighed resignedly.

"Yep. Especially since Witness Protection doesn't seem to make sense in your case."

"When does it ever?" During her imprisonment, H.G. had discovered American television programming's penchant for throwing people in Witness Protection as a convenient exit. How lazy.

"Precisely." Myka rolled her eyes before continuing sentimentally, "We'll always have Egypt!"

"I find I am still uncovering sand in the strangest places. It was fun, however, for the novelty of it. Uncomfortable at times, but still diverting." Helena looked up to the ceiling, remembering the pleasant events. When she looked back at the screen, she discerned the distinct tint of a blush emerging on Myka's face. Or perhaps it was some weird phone application messing with the color. "In any case, _all will be revealed_ shortly I presume."

"Why do you say that?" Myka asked concerned.

"The promotional material arrived. That is the motto they are using." Sometimes you couldn't tell if H.G. was being serious. This was one of those times.

"Cheesy, much?" Myka commented.

"It always is. Alas, I must away, darling. But make sure to have your boots at the ready!" H.G. always liked to dispense useful advice at the conclusion of such conversations.

"My work boots?"

"No, the uncomfortable non-functional ones that are ever-so-sexy." Maybe the useful advice was for her benefit alone…

"Oh, those ones. Will do." Myka dropped her voice to a husk before adding, "I'm actually wearing them right now. Want to see?"

"You saucy minx!" Helena smiled wryly before her eyes narrowed angrily, "Low battery warning! What does the world have against me?"

"The question is: what do you have against the world?" Myka chuckled.

"Myka, darling, that is so last year. Martyrs are fashionable this season." H.G. sighed again. "Alright love, I fear I will be seeing you in person sooner than you think and it will not be pleasant. Well, it will be not pleasant, then rather pleasant, then not pleasant at all I am sure."

"I'll make sure they have lilies at your funeral." Myka added soberly before cracking a wry smile of her own upon seeing the look of disgust on Helena's face. "Hoping not!" Myka sing-songed quickly.

"You do not deserve this but," Helena moved the phone closer to her lips and made an over-exaggerated kissing sound. Pulling back, Myka made out a sour look on the other woman's face. "That is even worse than when we tried with the holographic projection."

"It's the thought that counts. Bye Helena." Myka turned the device off and slipped it back into the messenger bag, knowing it would be picked up shortly. All the young woman could do was shake her head at the hilarity her personal life seemed to manifest.

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A/N: Seriously. Ugh. I want to watch the season finale but then I kinda don't want to…anyone else understand that? Let me know if I made you giggle…even a little bit. FYI, I am working on a new chapter of "Payback" (you know you want it's smutty goodness) and am progressing with the next chapter of "Stop-gap"…stay tuned!


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